In memory of those years of selfless dedication

What exactly is youth?

You’ve asked yourself this question, but you’ve never gotten an answer…

When I was seven, I caught a cicada, thinking I could capture that summer. Sitting on the steps in the yard, I looked up at the sky and imagined there was a huge castle above the clouds. My dream back then was to ride in a hot air balloon, to go to a very high place, and to travel around the world.

At that time, you didn’t know about cities like London, Sydney, and New York. You only knew that there was a very, very big world outside your hometown.

When I was ten years old, summers weren’t as hot and humid as they are now.

Air conditioning wasn’t as common back then as it is now. You and your parents would sit in front of the door, eating watermelon and greeting acquaintances passing by.

Back then, I was curious about what the adult world was like. I thought being a police officer would be very cool, so my dream back then was to become one!

Mosquitoes are the thing you hate most this summer. Your parents say that mosquitoes only like to bite children, so you want to grow up quickly.

Oh, and your parents often say you’re a child they picked up from next to a garbage dump. You were secretly upset about it for days.

When I was twelve, my sixth-grade textbook was filled with stories of scientists.

I thought being a scientist must be really cool, so my dream at that time was to grow up quickly and become a scientist.

Back then, I naively believed that these dreams would come true when I grew up.

That same year, television stations began repeatedly broadcasting Slam Dunk.

Take me for example. For me back then, Slam Dunk meant my youth!

That year, I started going out with my classmates, and several times I didn’t want to go home until it got dark.

When I was thirteen, I became obsessed with Dicky Cheung’s TV series, fell in love with the young Zhang Sanfeng, and became fond of the clever Xiao Budong.

A TV series or an animated film can keep you entertained for a whole day.

At that time, looking at these things, I felt like I had the whole world.

At thirteen, you felt for the first time that you were starting to grow up. That year, you still hoped to grow up quickly, but you never expected that a few years later, you would wish time could stand still and wish you would never grow up.

At seventeen, I was overwhelmed by the endless exams and assignments. I complained about the damn school more than ten times a day, and even the food in the cafeteria seemed terrible.

That year, I started to rebel, thinking that I had grown up.

That same year, I copied down the lyrics of “Stubborn” in my diary, began to ponder the meaning of growing up, the meaning of youth, and started to feel lost. But this brief period of confusion was drowned out by the intense study life.

You start to encounter the word “hypocrisy,” and you suddenly discover that there are all sorts of hypocritical people in life. You suddenly find yourself becoming somewhat hypocritical as well.

You understand now, this is called growing up!

So much happened this year.

You met the one you liked. During class, you sat in the corner and secretly watched him study hard. After class, you sat in your seat and fantasized about being together in the future. When you got home at night, you always found some excuse to text him.

If you send him a text message and don’t receive a reply within five minutes, you’ll become anxious and restless.

At this point, you realize you’ve fallen for this boy.

In this moment of youthful exuberance, you two happened to quietly fall for each other.

You tossed and turned all night for him, forcing yourself to stay up until midnight just to send him a happy birthday message.

Then, one night you mustered up the courage to confess your feelings to him, and waited anxiously for his answer.

What you don’t know is that the person on the other end of the phone feels the same way you do.

You remember clearly the first time you held hands on the playground, the first time you hugged in the park, and the first time you kissed in the alley.

You find yourself becoming dependent on this person, and you tell yourself that he is your entire youth.

He told you that even if the whole world wanted you to get rich, you would never break up.

When I was seventeen, I kissed the corner of his lips and thought we could be together forever.

At the age of twenty, I increasingly lamented that my youth had passed and that time had flown by too quickly.

That age of chasing freedom while listening to music is long gone, and the people who once accompanied you are nowhere to be found. Only the Slam Dunk manga stored on your computer and your favorite songs playing on your MP3 player remind you that your past youth was not an illusion.

That year, you began to feel that your dreams were something that could never be realized.

This year, you begin to feel that youth is something that will never come again;

This year, you begin to feel that growing up is the most helpless and painful thing in the world.

This year, when I hear an old song, I can still think of the person who used to be with me, the person who promised to be with me forever but only accompanied me for a while.

This year, when I heard Mayday’s “And I Know”, I thought of myself when I was seventeen years old, and I had loved so passionately and selflessly.

That year, you started watching Stephen Chow’s movies again, like King of Comedy and A Chinese Odyssey…

You finally understand the meaning behind it all. You finally realize that Supreme Treasure and Zixia are destined to be together but not to stay together. You finally understand why Cecilia Cheung cried after Stephen Chow said “I’ll take care of you” to her.

That year, when you looked at the sky, you realized that the sky that had been with you since you were seven years old had always been above you.

However, the last time you think about it, you wonder if there really is a castle above the clouds? But then you suddenly realize how ridiculous your idea is.

This year, you finally realized that life is much harder than you imagined.

That same year, you met another man, and you got together. Only then did you realize that two people being together doesn’t necessarily mean they have feelings for each other; it could simply be because you need someone to be with you.

That same year, upon hearing the theme song of Slam Dunk, I suddenly felt nostalgic for this classic. I rewatched it and ended up in tears.

It was in this same year that you looked up at the sky and realized how much life had changed, how many friends had changed, and how much you had changed. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the sky above you, the sky you had always ignored.

You think back to your high school days when the sky was high and the wind was clear, and you recall the time when your family gathered together to spend the summer when you were twelve years old.

You sighed, realizing that those summers were already over.

When you think back to the time you were seventeen and were with him, you realize you were such a fool back then.

But it was foolishly worth it!

It turns out that my youth passed by while I was pondering what youth was.

The age when I used to believe in forever has passed by without me even realizing it.

I never thought I’d be in this situation, so nostalgic for that summer I’d wasted so much.

On this day, you heard the song “And I Know”.

But I know that true love doesn’t necessarily mean growing old together.

And I know that one day you might just leave like this.

And I know, I know all of this, I know everything.

I just can’t stand it.

And I know that we once innocently cried and laughed together.

I know how to let go, but I don’t know how to forget.

And I know every single second since you left.

Yet it’s still so hard to get through.

You then realized that deep down, you knew all of this.

In that year, you learned the answer.

In reality, I only truly loved for a few years.

The next morning woke you up.

You rub your sleepy eyes.

Looking at the scenery outside the window, I was reminded of myself at seventeen.

Suddenly I burst out laughing. It turns out that my seventeen-year-old self, that conflicted and uneasy seventeen-year-old self, that bland and lonely youth, was actually such a hallucination.

It turns out that what I miss most is not the you who was with me, nor the relationship that I couldn’t salvage despite all the years of effort, but rather the version of myself that loved so passionately and naively without any regard for anything else.

And, those years when I truly loved!